Friday, March 26, 2010

A letter for you.

I'm writing this letter for a very special person, since I don't have much courage to face you, this is the only thing I can do to convey my last message to you. Sorry if the presence of this letter disrupts the flow of your life. But still there's alot of thing that I've been wanting to mention to you but I'm unable to because I'm scared it will hurt you. Not that I never have happy moments with you that I still remember till today, but watching how everythng changed drastically makes me think. What have we gone through that you've changed like this? I'm not a perfect person, and I know I've made alot of mistakes too.

But thinking back how we've known each other and learning both ways, it amazed me that somehow there's someone special like you who've managed to enlightened my life pulling me through the darkness and make me see those beautiful skies. It was heartbreaking to find that nothing is everlasting, promises made but none of it has come true, I know I dont deserve it at all because I too didnt manage to do anything or you. Amazingly, thorugh we never met, but there was a sense of calmness while talking to you. As time goes by, feelings do change and the old situation no longer exist, suddenly I felt like I'm talking to another stranger. It was painful to go through the process of adapting to the 'new' you..Was crying for few days thinking what could I have done wrong. am I not being good enough? Am I being too selfish at times that I never tried to understand you? Am I being too stupid that I'm not able to understand the changes you've gone through? All of this has been lingering in my mind till today. One thing you never realised, is that once you've made this decision, is it going to affect only you? Did you ever consider about me, who was also affected by it? To realise that old promises will no longer become true, and to realise that I can no longer depend on you, was like giving me a major tasks to retidy myself, back to zero. It's hard to not get upset. Slowly I've realised my major mistakes all this while, being too dependent on you, when I thought you're the one I can count on. Maybe that is why, I can't even learn how to let go just yet.

What I regret the most after the fight, was the drastic change in you. No more concern, even if there was, it was only temporary. Did you ever think of how I feel when I've heard your voice on the phone, how much I've wanted the old you back. It was selfish and childish, I admit. How to expect someone to change for me when I myself can never really do that. I know I'm a passive speaker but I'm listening attentively to you, because everything that you've said matters alot and I'm trying my best to make it up to you. I may not be able to express everything just like you did, because to me you have alot more things to worried about, making you worried is the last thing I ever wanted to do, for your thoughts matters alot to me. I may not be able to go and console just like the rest but trying to listen to your problem whenever you're down, I'm willing to do it.

And about jealousy, yes, I do admit that I'm jealous that I'm not able to be with you when you need me and to have meal with you and talking about everything in your life. But did you ever think of putting yourself on my shoes? People always say they understands, but how they know what it feels, when they are not actually you, yourself? But it was dissapointing that you never really understand who I am. Like I've said before, female are of very fragile creature, we are sensitive and even the smallest thing matters alot. Even a simple phone call, or even a simple sms may affect our whole day. I dont know how many times I've been trying to hold myself back from you, trying to avoid myself from being angry and get mad at you, for you dont deserve to be treated like that.

Did you ever appreciate my presence when I'm with you..? After several months of long distance conversation, finally I get the chance to come over for the first time to meet you. I was touched when I found out that you were actually waiting for me to come. Getting nervous and restless, I can't even sleep that night, because I've been longing to see you too. Somehow or rather, it was dissapointing to find out, that I may not be just like you've ever wanted, as a person you have in mind. Was totally dissapointed when I look at how you were looking back at me, because it's just like disrespsecting me. But I guess, there must have been a small disaster going round in your head. I'm sorry if all the pictures that you've seen before doesn't really reflect who I am right now. I am after all, not that beautiful and curvy like other people did. But when I looked at you for the first time, can't deny that I've finally met the real you! And the main reason why I was there is to have sometime lone with you, to tidy back all the mess I've done and to know how each of us feel about our relationship. Unfortunately, I've missed the chance to do so..But then, I think it doesn't really matter anymore for looking at your smile, the smile is still the same. Was lucky that somehow I managed to capture it into my heart so that I'll be able to remember it for the rest of my life. There's alot of things that I've wanted to share with you and was hoping that the day will never end.

One thing for sure, to forget you..Is never easy. But maybe that's how life goes, people come and go. Spending some time with you even though for this short period of time, are some of the most precious moment I ever had. It was like riding a roller coaster, exciting and fun, but when it's time to settle down, that's the time when you need to leave the seat and go on. Thank you for being with me, for all your love and concern, there's nothing else to replace the feeling..Wishing that you'll go through everyday with happiness and you'll succeed in everything you do. Never stop smiling because it means alot to everyone else around you. And today, is our 1st date anniversary, remember? Happy Last Anniversary..Whatever it is, thank you once again, I'm hoping you'll get the best in life, for every mistakes I've done and those damage that I can never repair, I'm sorry and I Love You.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

The very first week of the endless journey..

Well, it's the very first week of posting in female medical ward of HUSM, 7U and of course counted as 0 week as it is not yet officially the academic week yet. But still, even the thoughts of enetering it as a full time student just like normal staff nurses do really freaks the hell out of me!!:S

Was having sleepless night because of it and to make it worst..I caught flu and was coughing like crazy!! My, what on earth is happening to me? But trying to be more positive, I told myself to stay strong and don't bother bout it. That's just the early stage by the way..Clinical postings weren't the only thing that worries me,research title too was not yet fixed as there's alot of problem, from the title itself to the "choosing supervisor" part. After I go through several journals with good title to choose from, I finally met the course coordinator to confirm my title, unfortunately although she was satisfie with the title, she does not agree with my choice of supervisor for some reasons..

Below was the conversation:

CC: So Siik Fung, have you found the title you wanted to do?

Me: Yes maam, I found mine dy.

CC: Ok, so what title is it?

Me: Barriers towards blood donation among undergraduate students?

CC: Significant please?.....(conversation continues well as she agrees with the title and suddenly..)

CC: Who do you want to choose as your supervisor?

Me: Hm, I do think of having .... as my supervisor, because she has exprience in doing things like this.

CC: Well, are you sure if .... becomes your supervisor that she'll commit all her time for you and assist you along the way?

Me: Sure maam, I've even asked opinons from my senior and she does give crdeit to this person as my supervisor.

CC: You know she's doing her thesis right?

Me: Yes, I do, but if she's willing of taking me in to be supervised I'll be more than glad.

CC: I just don't want you to make the wrong decision as this will require youe supervisor to be fully responsible to your work, I'm worried that she will not have the time for you and leaving you like you're not having one.

Me: Hm? But I thought she was a good supervisor?

CC: But what I've heard from others were different, you title is good but make sure you make the right decision because I don't want you all to end up crying and looking for me to change anything. When you've decided, please sms me ok?

Me: Oh, ok..

And there it goes, another obstacle after another. Why on earth am I not surprised..I just knew it won't be so easy. But why did she kept on saying that? Why did she kept on emphasizing the same thing? I thought all of us were free to choose the supervisor of our choice, but is it that when it come to this person, a lot of questions occur? Sigh, now I'm lost for words..Trying my best not to give up yet, I tried plan B, find the previous course coordinator for her advise or maybe ask her to take me under her?

Me: Madam may I know are you still available to be my supervisor?

Ex CC: What title do you plan to do?

Me: .....

Ex CC: Hm, why is it that you didn't pick .... as your supervisor, she is teaching you this subject last year right?

Me: Ya, I know and alert about that, but the problem is our new CC told me different thing, that it may not be a good decision doing this topic under her due to...

Ex CC: Please do not listen to anyone else about it, sometimes it may be due to internal conflict between them that such thing surfaced. Ok, you try to ask .... whether she's willing to supervise you or not, if not only then you come to me.

Me: Oh, ok..

And there goes another contradicting statement from ex CC. Man, I was too stressed out that I've decided to stop thinking about it. but we can't run from problems forever right? So instead I tried to call the person instead, but!! She was not satisfied with the tite I've selected, instead I was asked to do something related to nursing and patient care. Got really speechelss that time. After several discussions done with my nursing ladies, I was convinced to stick to that title and I need to persuade the person to accept my title or else I have to find another person as my supervisor. Now @1547H, 9th July, I'm still holding on to my handphone, thinking bout what to say and defend myself. It is very very tiring. Hopefully before tonight, I'll be able to tell her about what I think. Just got my fingers crossed hopefully she'll understand..T_T

"The great breakthrough in life is when you comes when you realize that you can learn anything that you need to learn to accomplish any goal that you set for yourself. This means there is no limit of what you can be, have or do. I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge, knowledge is limited but imagination? It encircles the world."- Albert Einstein